hire me

I keep applying to jobs. I will take anything. Let me shred that paper for you. I’m an excellent typer. I’ll feed your toddler an ounce of raw milk every hour for their gut health. I’ll kill him too if that’s what you want instead. Please hire me. I can sell you my soul in all four directions as long as you don’t look me in the eye. 

Applying to jobs is an exercise of seeing yourself through hypotheticals. I am no longer me but a range of possibilities. Future clara clones all dressed in business casual. That’s the game isn’t it. Linkedin dangles different lives in front of you, each one worse than the last, and then expects you to plead for it, to degrade yourself so fully that you learn something like SQL.

A few months ago, I bought a hard drive that plugs into my work computer and clicks my keyboard mouse a thousand beats per second. Now I'm always active. My user status at work is green, green meaning productive, green meaning I care about all this, green like decay, green like fucking rot. 

I went to a conference for work last month. I don’t usually talk at those kinds of things. Every word feels sour in my mouth and silence is safer. Keeps the infection contained. But a lady came by and asked me if I was enjoying the city, and I said yeah I love new york. But a few minutes later I realized that we were actually in chicago and she probably thought I was retarded. And in that moment I felt the urge to sterilize, to pull out every rotten tooth and scrape away at each pulp of diseased gum, and begin again. No one will tell me why baptism requires liquid. I know that cells regenerate, but what I need is selective regeneration. Yank out the weeds, rip those fuckers out like bad memories. Create a garden of perfect cells. I will be a new person. I will only speak of clean and beautiful things. Everything will feel erotic, but not dirty. 

Getting better is just more sorting. Eat this but not that. Don’t think this but think that. Love this man but not that last one. All I learned from therapy was that I needed to pick better. Filter out good from evil. You’re not depraved, you're just picking the wrong shit! Pick better. Sort better. Find the assembly line.